


Someday I'll Have it All

by kaciagemini



Category: Glee
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-10-09
Updated: 2012-10-09
Packaged: 2017-11-15 23:15:05
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,897
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/532841
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kaciagemini/pseuds/kaciagemini
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>One way things could play out after The Break Up.  Kurt can’t live with what Blaine did but he can’t figure out how to live without him.  Spoilers through 4x04, Blaine/Eli is mentioned.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Someday I'll Have it All

**Author's Note:**

> Somehow this would be the thing that pushes me over the edge into actually writing fic for Glee. Title comes from the Plain White T’s song, “Happy Someday”.

Kurt blocks Blaine's number after he calls 14 times and sends a dozen text messages asking if he got the flowers and if he liked them and if he's ever going to speak to him again and if he could ever forgive him. The only response he sends, just before he blocks the number is a simple, "I don't want to hear from you. We're through." He knows it's the coward's way out. He should have had the courage to say it to Blaine's face before he left or even talked to him on the phone but there's no way he could have managed either without hysterical tears and he wants to be able to maintain at least some semblance of self-respect. 

Their last conversation, after he waited so long for Blaine to wake up and talk to him had only made him feel worse. Blaine had still been trying to explain, talking about how much he loved Kurt and missed him and how the other guy wasn't important at all. Apparently Blaine couldn't grasp that fucking some guy who didn't mean anything only made it worse, not better. After staring mutely at Blaine's stumbling and increasingly incoherent rambling, Kurt had finally just told him to go home. Blaine looked so heartbroken that it hurt to make him walk away, but not as much as it had hurt to hear him talk. He so clearly didn't understand the extent of Kurt's hurt; even more than the betrayal of being with someone else, Kurt just couldn't deal with Blaine betraying the idea that above all, sex was supposed to _mean something_. It was like he suddenly realized that they'd never known each other at all and that's the thought that keeps popping up at random moments, invading his thoughts and making him want to cry all over again walking down the street or on the phone at work.

Everyone who knows even a little about what happened keeps trying to cheer Kurt up but nothing works. When Chase says "Well clearly you're better off without some asshole like that," it makes Kurt want to scream that he's anything but better off. His dad says "When you're ready, you'll find someone twice as great," and Kurt wants to cry because even as much as he hurts he can't imagine ever wanting anyone but Blaine. When Rachel says "Think about all the hot New York guys you can date now that you're single," he wants to hit something because every beautiful guy he's seen since that moment has just made him miss Blaine more because he used to have a beautiful boyfriend who was all his and now that's not true, Blaine will never be all his again. Mercedes' response is the closest to right because she just says, "Oh Kurt, honey, you know I love you, right?" and he nods even though she can't see him and it doesn't really help, but it least he doesn't feel any worse.

He keeps trying to snap himself out of his funk, which normally he's pretty good at, but none of his usual methods seem to have any effect at all. After he blocks Blaine's number, he walks around Central Park for an hour but he mostly spends it wishing he could talk to Blaine despite having just ensured that won't happen. He spends half a day shopping after he decisively changes his Facebook status to single but every amazing discount piece he finds seems to be something that would look perfect on Blaine. Going out to clubs or bars with Rachel and Brody, who seem to be moving towards a disgustingly adorable relationship, makes him feel like a horrible third wheel so he starts turning them down every time. Going out on his own is worse because he feels out of place and even more lonely. If no one gives him a second glance or talks to him or asks him to dance he can't help taking it as proof that no one could want him, and on the times someone does pay attention to him he just ends up comparing them unfavorably to Blaine or sometimes wondering if they look anything like the guy Blaine cheated on him with. He never in his life imagined he'd have to answer "No thank you" to a hot guy offering to buy him a drink. He can't seem to make himself want anyone but Blaine and that's what hurts the most once the initial pain of betrayal has begun to fade. He hates himself for thinking of Blaine and remembering times when they were together when he jerks off, but nothing else works. Why can't he convince his stupid traitorous brain and body to want someone else? Someone who hasn't hurt him?

After a couple of months (longer than their attempt at a long distance relationship lasted, Kurt thinks sadly) he starts to feel like maybe he's going to be okay eventually. He no longer thinks of Blaine very much during the normal course of his day (except for every time his phone rings and it's not, will never be, Blaine). He doesn't even think of Blaine very often when he's lying alone at night (he's kind of lost interest in any kind of sex, even with himself). It's a daily struggle, but it's a little bit less (surely it's less, it _has_ to be getting better by now). Work is going very well, he's still figuring out how he'll manage both his internship and school once he gets accepted to NYADA for spring (he has to get accepted this time, surely the world is not so cruel as to reject him again). Come January, he won't even have a moment to spare missing Blaine (though he's pretty good at multitasking now).

It actually turns out he's almost right, he does get in and he barely has time to eat and sleep much less feel sorry for himself, and it does help. He doesn't feel as angry as he used to at Blaine, just sad whenever he thinks about him, wonders if he's happy (he's not sure if he wishes he is or isn't). Getting the time off he needs to go to Mr. Shuester's and Ms. Pilsbury's wedding takes a lot of work and nearly all the goodwill he's built up as a model student (the internship's over now and he's a little sad but he doesn't really miss it the way he missed being onstage) but there's no way he trusts them to have finalized all the details without him there to give it a last look, he needs that extra day. He's excited and happy for them but at the same time feeling a bit disjointed and off. Blaine will be there. Avoiding him had been easy on his previous trips home, because he'd hardly left the house at Thanksgiving or Christmas, making all his friends come to him. He won't really be able to avoid seeing Blaine this time, though hopefully he can avoid talking to him (what if Blaine wants to talk to him? what would that mean? does he even want Blaine to want to talk to him?).

He almost (almost) forgets in the rush of last-minute wedding hijinks, giving his approval on Emma's hair and make-up, preparing his song for the Glee-supported reception. It surprises him (but it doesn't, really) when he looks up at the rehearsal dinner and Blaine's suddenly there, just a few yards away. He could call out and Blaine would hear him (what would he say? I still love you? I still hate you?) or he could walk over and touch his arm, prove to himself that the boy who loved him really once existed (sometimes he's not quite sure anymore). He doesn't do either but Blaine seems to register his attention anyway, he looks up toward Kurt and Kurt freezes. Blaine looks the same, still looks exactly like the boy Kurt loves. Somehow Kurt had expected some sort of physical difference but this boy who crushed his heart is somehow the same one who'd filled it with love in the first place and Kurt doesn't know how to deal with that. Blaine's expression is neutral but when he realizes Kurt isn't looking away he starts to smile, maybe look a little hopeful, and that's what breaks Kurt out of it. He looks away and makes a point of not turning in Blaine's direction the rest of the night.

The wedding goes off without a hitch the next day. It's beautiful and Kurt cries a few happy tears. The reception is warm and inviting and wonderful. Kurt dances with Rachel and Mercedes and Tina when they ask but mostly he sits at his table trying not to look too depressed because it could mess up the ambiance. Blaine approaches while he's staring at the table decorations (beautiful, and very precise, as he expected) so he's already too close for Kurt to make a run for it when he sees him. He's pretty sure he wouldn't have done that anyway.

"Kurt," Blaine says simply. Kurt nods in acknowledgment but doesn't say anything and doesn't really look him in the eye. "Can I..." he seems to be struggling for words but he finally finishes with, "Will you dance with me?" Kurt suspects that isn't where that sentence started out. He almost yells at Blaine about the nerve he has to even ask that, but fuck it, he does want to dance with somebody who can make him feel something and this is the first chance he's had to do that in months so he wants to take it even if that something he'll feel isn't exactly good. He nods and graciously allows Blaine to take his hand and lead him out on the floor for a slow, romantic song that's just starting up. No one's staring, or at least they're not being obvious about it, which Kurt is extremely grateful for.

When Blaine pulls him in close, bodies brushing together just slightly, Kurt lets him. He missed this, missed having someone (Blaine) so near. It feels amazing and painful and it's exactly what he expected and nothing he ever dreamed to be so close to Blaine again. Their cheeks are nearly brushing but at least they don't have to look too closely into one another's faces. He can sort of feel Blaine's breath against his ear and for a moment it reminds him of much more intimate moments together when Blaine panting in his ear had been more than welcome. 

The brush of warm, damp air is undeniable when Blaine speaks, "I've missed you so much, Kurt, more than words can even express."

"I have, too," Kurt finally admits softly, after a drawn out moment.

Blaine lets out a short, abruptly cut off laugh. "I was beginning to think you were never going to speak another word out loud to me ever again."

"I thought about it," Kurt says quietly, "It's what you deserved."

"I know," Blaine says, and Kurt can't see his face but he can hear the pain in his voice, "Believe me, I know, but I still hoped." Blaine stops their slow movement abruptly and pulls back just enough that they can look each other in the eye. "Is there any way... can we go somewhere and talk? Please, Kurt? Please?"

Kurt should say no, he knows he should. There's nothing Blaine could ever say that's going to make what he did okay. He could find a way to hurt Kurt even more. But Kurt misses him. He'll always have a weakness for Blaine. He nods.

Blaine's face is overcome with a look of joy and relief before he manages to contain himself to something more neutral. 

It takes a few minutes of wandering the venue before they find some place quiet and secluded, some sort of waiting room that doesn't seem to have been in use tonight. Kurt closes the door behind them with a tiny snick, leans back against it, and waits. 

Blaine seems to realize the floor is his. He can't seem to be still, fidgeting and pacing back and forth, looking up at Kurt every few seconds. "I've missed you so, so much," he finally starts. "I felt so alone without you. I felt so alone, from the moment you left. I know... I know I told you to go. I wanted you to go, to live your dream, I really did, but I didn't know what it would be like. I pictured... I pictured how wonderful your life must be in New York, your job and your apartment and all the things you must be seeing and doing and all the people you must be meeting and I thought, how can I compare? I was so jealous and it was so, so, incredibly stupid of me because I know how much you... loved... me, I knew you wanted nothing more than that world with me in it. I do know that, how wrong I was. But I was in a really bad place and I just didn't know how to talk to you about it, how to fix it. 

"I've had a lot of time to ask myself what the hell I was thinking and I don't know if I can ever really fully answer that question, even to myself, but I've had to face up to a lot of partial answers that leave me nothing but disappointed in myself. I didn't know how to be myself without you there to look at me every day and trust in this wonderful person you were so sure I was. I got so lost, I just didn't know who I was without you. And I thought you couldn't possibly be as lost as me, as lonely as me, as achingly sad as me, even though I knew I was being stupid. I knew it, I knew you were hurting just as much. I was just wallowing, feeling sorry for myself, so sure that you would have to stop loving me as soon as you realized how much of a fraud I was. I was only ever as wonderful as you thought I was because you believed in me and I... I wanted that back, that feeling of someone completely and unreservedly believing in me. And for a very brief, very weak moment, I thought I could get it somewhere else. 

"I started talking to a guy online and he was so flattering and he let me talk for hours about how much I missed my amazing boyfriend..." Blaine breaks down a little finally, covers his eyes like maybe that will keep Kurt from seeing him, from judging him. "I thought... I think I thought, 'well if he makes me feel better talking online, it must be even better if I talk to him in person' so I agreed to meet with him and at first it was the same. I talked about how much I missed you and loved you and he... he said how crazy anyone would have to be to ever walk away from someone like me... and he... he kissed me and I... I wanted to feel like the most important person in someone's world again, just for a minute. I let him kiss me and I let him open my pants and I let him go down on me and... I didn't. I didn't feel like the most important person in the world. He was good at it but all I could think was that he wasn't you. I made him stop and I left and went home and showered for an hour and all I could think was 'how could I? how could I do that to the man I love? what's wrong with me?' I realized I really wasn't the person you thought I was, the man you loved. 

"I don't know if I thought flying to New York would get you to forgive me or if I could pretend it didn't happen, I just thought that if I didn't see you as soon as possible I would curl up and die. I think maybe... maybe I thought that if you looked at me, you could find that man you loved inside me somewhere, maybe you could make me start being him again. I wanted to be that man for you. But you looked at me and I realized that perfect boyfriend you were so in love with... he was dead. I killed him. And I'm so sorry I got angry at you after I told you. I just wanted so badly for your faith in me to have been right, that I hated you a little for being wrong. I wasn't worth trusting, worth loving."

He fades away finally and Kurt thinks he's finally done talking. Blaine's crying a little, tears leaking down that he doesn't seem to be aware of and Kurt knows he is, too. That had hurt to hear, even more than he'd known it would have to hurt, to finally know exactly what happened. He wishes he'd had the strength to hear it earlier, maybe it could have made his pain a little less, but maybe it would have just hurt more to understand exactly why Blaine had betrayed him. 

"Oh Blaine, I can't believe you thought I could ever stop loving you. I don't know how to stop and believe me I've been trying for months. Just thinking about you hurts and hearing from you was even worse, but no matter how much it hurts, I can't stop."

"Kurt, I'm so sorry, so very unbelievably sorry for how I hurt you."

"I never really doubted that, Blaine," Kurt huffs out a laugh even through his tears, "I knew you were sorry, I just didn't know if it was possible to ever forgive you. I cut you off completely even though it hurt me at least as much as it hurt you because I had to know if it was possible, if I could find a way to stop loving you so it would hurt a little less. But it didn't. It still hurts just as much as the day you told me and I still love you just as much and I really don't know what to do about it. All I've learned in these months apart is that the only thing that hurts more than you betraying me, is staying away from you."

"Is there a chance... do you think there will ever be a chance that you might be able to find a way to forgive me, to trust me again someday?"

"I don't know," Kurt says, and he's breaking his own heart all over again because he wants desperately, more than anything else, to be able to trust Blaine, but he doesn't know how to let himself.

They stare at each other, both seemingly out of words now, red-eyed but no longer actively crying at least. Kurt digs a tissue out of his pocket to clean up his face a little and then moves closer to Blaine so he can dab the moisture from his face, too. Blaine just closes his eyes and turns up into it until he's done, then he looks at Kurt, the closest they've been able to look each other in the eye all night. 

"Blaine," Kurt starts, and even he's not sure if he's really going to say what he's thinking until he does, "Will you kiss me? I haven't wanted to get close to anyone in so long I'm beginning to think that part of me died."

"Me neither," Blaine says quickly, "I haven't even wanted to look at anyone else since the last time I kissed you."

And that thought does start to heal something deep inside Kurt. The kiss that follows quickly after helps a little, too. It starts off so slow, so tender, every ounce of meaning wrung from each millimeter of contact. Kurt deepens the kiss and then it gets hotter, tongues twisting together and he can't help but remember endless summer days of getting good at this together, learning what the other likes best, and they're both using those skills now. He can't help but want to touch, and why shouldn't he? So he does. He runs his fingers through Blaine's hair, touches his neck, runs his hands down Blaine's sides and then back up under his suit jacket with only the thin material of the dress shirt separating him from skin. Blaine takes it as the invitation it is and touches Kurt back, his chest and his sides and the small of his back where it always makes him shiver a little. He's missed this so much. Even more than touching, he's missed wanting to touch, the desire that seemed to die the moment Blaine left. He tugs Blaine's shirt until it's un-tucked and then starts on the buttons. It's been so long since he's wanted this but he wants it now and by god he's going to have it. Blaine moans into his mouth, unable to separate even for that. His hands are busy, too, though, finding Kurt's skin and pressing his fingers against it and Kurt thinks he's never felt so alive or maybe it's just been so long that he's forgotten. Their jackets get shoved off first, and then ties are gone and shirts are there but hardly doing any covering to speak of. 

Kurt drags Blaine down to the carpet, pushes him back so that his head rests against the dubious comfort of a crumpled jacket, and then attacks him with his mouth. He's missed tasting Blaine so much, missed the noises that he makes when Kurt bites just enough and they're turning Kurt on like nothing else ever has, nothing else but this. Blaine's struggling with Kurt's pants, not doing a very good job in his distraction. Frustrated, Kurt sits up and does it himself, unbuttons and unzips and shoves everything down his thighs, out of the way or close enough. Blaine is staring, eyes burning with a want that's so familiar Kurt almost wants to cry again. Instead he attacks Blaine's pants until they're out of the way, too. They're finally free to rut against each other the way they both want. Blaine has both hands on his ass, pulling him in closer, faster, harder. Kurt braces one hand on the floor to keep his balance and tangles the other in Blaine's hair, curls escaping now that Kurt's using them as a handhold to bring Blaine's mouth against his again in a rough kiss. It's all very rough, suddenly, where it had been sweet and tender at first. Kurt's desperate in a way he's maybe never been. He hasn't had sex with anyone since he and Blaine had said goodbye before New York and he's been missing this body for so long, and hating himself for missing it at the same time, so maybe it couldn't have ever been anything but this. Blaine's making noises again, the ones Kurt loves, the ones that mean he's close. Kurt rewards him by biting his neck and collarbone, moving Blaine's head where he needs it to be so he can reach. Blaine's fingers dig into Kurt's ass even more and Kurt can feel his blunt nails and it almost hurts but it turns him on even more, too, because it means this is real and not just another one of his guilty fantasies. Finally they reach a crescendo, Blaine coming first with a little gasp and Kurt has always loved this feeling. He did this, made this happen, is the reason there's warm wet come spurting across his stomach, and it pushes him over the edge so he's coming, too. 

After a few minutes they start to come down. Their breathing slows down from the panting it had become. They both slowly realize they're half-naked and covered in come in the middle of some random room at a wedding reception. Kurt rolls off Blaine and onto his back next to him, still needing a minute to process. Silently they begin to put themselves back to rights. Kurt finds a few tissues in his pocket that haven't been cried on yet and offers half to Blaine. Once he's cleaned himself off as well as he can, Kurt hikes up his pants and stands up, looking for the rest of his outfit. He never even took off his shoes. He wonders if Blaine's toes still look the same.

Blaine's only a step behind him, buttoning his shirt, tucking it back in though it's kind of wrinkled beyond all repair. He pulls his tie back on and Kurt moves in to adjust it without a second thought. Blaine lets him, and then returns the favor. They both get their suit jackets back on, as close to normal as either of them can manage without getting an iron or a shower involved. Blaine's hair is definitely the worse for wear, perfectly gelled coif completely ruined but at least his jacket covers up how bad the shirt looks. Kurt's jacket was apparently their impromptu pillow and no amount of work is going to smooth the wrinkles out of it. It's a tough choice to say which of them looks more freshly-fucked; the tie is close. Kurt is at least pretty sure he doesn't have any hickeys started to blossom on his neck like Blaine does. It's almost funny, because that was never really a problem they'd had before, leaving marks. They'd been much more apt to go slow, take their time, be gentle, but this was nothing like their usual and it showed, visibly. Kurt suspected he might end up with a few bruises himself even if they weren't as visible. 

"So," Blaine says, dragging the word out and looking up at Kurt hopefully, "Is this, does this mean we can get back together? Was this make-up sex?"

"I don't know," Kurt says, and it kills him to be the one to take that hopeful look off Blaine's face. "I want to forgive you, I want to trust you again, I'm just not sure if I'll be able to." Blaine looks crushed and Kurt sighs, trying to figure out if there's anything they can save of the tatters their relationship has been reduced to. "Are you still planning to come to New York next year?" This far into spring, he has to have sent out all the applications he's sending, surely.

"Yes," Blaine says immediately, nodding emphatically, "I applied to some other places, too, in case you didn't want me anywhere near you, but if you want me in New York then that is exactly where I want to be. I haven't gotten all my acceptance letters yet but I applied to a bunch so I'm sure I'll get in somewhere."

Kurt lets out a sigh of relief. He'd hoped but he hadn't really let himself count on it. There might really still be something here they could save. "I... I still want you. I guess I can't really deny that," Kurt says a little ruefully, glancing down at his disheveled clothes.

"I want you, too," Blaine rushes to say, "So much. I don't want anyone but you and I'll never be stupid enough to forget that ever again, I swear it. I promise. I love you so much, Kurt." 

Blaine looks like he might start to cry again and Kurt doesn't want that. He can't help softening his gaze when he looks at Blaine and says, "I still love you, too, so so much."

Blaine does tear up at that and Kurt has to pull him close, hold him, because that isn't what he wants and if he watches Blaine cry he'll probably start up again, too, and they're definitely out of tissues.

"Thank you," Blaine says, frantic, "Thank you for still loving me. I'll do everything I can to make up for what I did, anything you want."

"I know," Kurt says, and he does, "Just please, Blaine, don't forget that you're the man I love, ever again. If you're in doubt, _talk_ to me about it, trust me when I tell you how important you are to me, don't lose faith in us again because... I don't know if I could live through it again."

"I won't, I promise, I won't," Blaine says, and he's definitely crying on Kurt's jacket but that's hardly the worst thing that's happened to it tonight, "I'll never do anything like that again, you're the most important thing in the world to me. I'm so sorry, Kurt, I love you so much."

Kurt has to shush him gently so he'll stop babbling and soothe him until he stops crying. He kisses him softly on the mouth when they pull apart and it's like so many other kisses they've shared, reassuring, loving, perfect. Kurt wasn't sure they'd ever have a perfect kiss again, but it is. 

The first thing Kurt does after he unblocks Blaine's number is send him a text that says "I will always love you."

The day Kurt gets back to New York he gets flowers delivered to his door, a perfect dozen red roses. The card is signed, "From the man you love," and it's the best reassurance Blaine could have given.


End file.
